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Dear Matt,
Thank you for cheating on me and lying so convincingly about it. It was only a matter of time before you’d fuck up our relationship just like you’ve fucked up every other relationship except your love affair with yourself. I hope your mother finds out about your secret marriage, and your ex-wife finds out the only reason you treat her as well as you do is to make up for cheating on her.
You will one day realize that you really are a complete drain on society who will never amount to anything, and that you are not as cute, funny or smart as you think you are. “I hate being the smartest person in the room” is a clever way of saying “I don’t want to be shown to be the ignorant dropout I am.”
Best of luck finding yourself a fellow drunk who’ll let you control and manipulate her into submission. Your cooking sucked, and you really are a rather unimpressive person. But I did a great job of pretending otherwise, didn’t I? I bet you even thought those were real orgasms!
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