Dear Chace.
It’s great that you’re moving on with your life and all in the city I dragged you to against your will. Moreover, I’m a big fan of the fact that you’re banging the girl I introduced you to (seeing as she was MY friend in graduate school and you didn’t have the social skills to obtain your own friends—you’re still only bffs with people you met through me).
I hope your mom really likes this bitch and that I don’t get a drunken text from your mother saying how much she loves and misses me…you know she did that on Christmas eve, right? Further, I hope your two jobs as glorified secretaries are serving you well on your way to establishing your life-long career.
PS: I hope you don’t end up on “Look At This Fucking Hipster”
xx